I'm new here. So I'm sorry I wasn't quite sure where to post this.
I'm really emotionally exhuasted. I had a severe emotional outburst at my sister and dad over Mother's Day weekend, and now my partner is telling me I'm responsible for where they are at in their own head.
As far as my partner goes, let me explain -
October of last year, I ######6 broke. I was in a place where I lost friendships, I didn't know what was real anymore, and I was so tapped out that I was convinced that I was being emotionally manipulated/abused by my partner, but I loved her and couldn't bear to leave her. I told her I desperately needed some space, and after three years of living with one another, we are now seven months into living apart. It was a really traumatic experience, telling her I needed to live on my own for awhile, and we fought and screamed and cried at one another. I can't even begin to write here how hard it was on both of us. My partner didn't want to, and she told me that living apart was going to ruin her mental health. But I had to stick to my guns. I had to. I just had to. I wasn't myself, I wasn't pursuing my career and I wasn't really living. My relationship with my family ( who, despite my intro to this post, I am very close with) was strained and to a boiling point.
Cut to now, like I said, seven months apart - We still see each other every week. We have a dog that we both adore and I take him every weekend. We have bumps in the road, but everything seems to be going okay. I just landed a great job, I am slowly processing my trauma and coming to terms with my mental instabilities - I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am working really hard to find a therapist ( something that is now stalled by the change in employer). But she still blames me. She blows up on me randomly, waits until the last straw breaks the camels back and always ends up saying/texting : "I didn't want to be in this position/mindstate!" // "I ######6 hate this and you did this!" // "I told you this is where I would end up".
This crushes me. I go from feeling like she supports me in my struggle with my mental health, and then she does this. She blames me for how she feels now that she lives alone. She blew up on me today because I was supposed to come see her after work, but traffic was so bad that it would have taken me over two hours to get to her. So she told me to go home. I was trying to find an alternate route but just couldnt. She lost her $#%^ and basically told me that she always gets the short end of the stick and telling me that she isn't okay isn't going to solve everything.
She knows im in an emotionally fragile place right now, and I just can't take being held responsible for everyone else's feelings. I want to have my own feelings. I want to be able to stay home by myself if I need to. I need to not be worried about her. I love her and I want to be there for her, but I'm so exhuasted. I'm crying right now typing this.
I feel buried under a hill of stress and trauma and I feel like I can't get out.
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